Our thoughts can often fall into unhelpful patterns that can make times of loneliness feel even worse. Being aware of these thought patterns (called Automatic Negative Thinking Traps or ANTs) is an important first step in easing the sense of isolation. Here are some ANTs that commonly show up during the holiday season: 

• Feeling Makes Fact is where we feel something so strongly, we believe it must be true. Our feelings of loneliness may feel so strong that we believe it is our permanent truth.  

• All-or-Nothing Thinking is where we think in extremes. This might sound like “I need to make time for all my loved ones this season otherwise the holidays are ruined.” These types of thoughts do not allow for the reality that you can feel lonely and still have meaningful connections. 

• Focus Only on the Bad is where we focus only on the bad parts of our situation. Thoughts like “Nobody reached out to me today” might show up, while you ignore that your sibling called the day before.  

When you notice unhelpful thoughts, you can pause and check-in with yourself. Are there any ANTs showing up here? Does this thought have any evidence behind it? This quick check in can help us spot when our thoughts are making our feelings of loneliness worse. And then step away from the thinking traps rather than getting caught in them.  

We can also look at taking action to feel more connected. Behavioral activation is a tool that focuses on engaging in meaningful activities. Think about some ways you may be able to connect with others – big or small. You could send one text to someone you haven’t connected with recently. Or reach out to ask a family member to grab coffee with you. Maybe what you are hoping for is new connections. You could try attending a community event or volunteer for an organization that aligns with your values. 

Once you decide what you would like to do to connect with others, it is helpful to schedule it in. You could try a weekly text check-in. Or a monthly coffee. Community or volunteer events may already have a schedule once you get going. But it may be helpful to schedule in a time for yourself to sign up or do some research on what organization or event you would want to do. You could schedule time daily or weekly. If you would like to make it a habit, it is best to schedule it after a habit you already have. This could be something simple, like committing to do 15 minutes of research each night after dinner. Or sending a text check-in each week after your morning workout class.  

The holiday season can be tough when we are feeling lonely. But the next time you find yourself feeling alone, remember that you now have tools to respond differently. You can take steps toward a more meaningful and connected holiday season.  

If you do catch yourself in a spiral of worried thoughts, there are steps you can take. One powerful way to help you slow down and get yourself out of the spiral is by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness means staying present and aware without judgment. This allows you to do a few things: you can simply observe that you’re having these thoughts; you can remind yourself that the thoughts and feelings are only temporary; you can then ask yourself: “What truly matters to me right now?” and “How can my values guide me to refocus my time and energy in a meaningful way?” 

The practice of mindfulness can become particularly valuable as we age. We can stop ourselves from getting lost in stories about what the changes of aging might mean. We can continue to focus on what we value most – even if this changes over time. No matter what is that you value, mindfulness can help guide you to live according to your values rather than your fears. 

Turning our attention toward what we value is an important step. It’s also important to take meaningful action. Behavioral activation is a powerful tool that helps us do just that. Activation focuses on taking small steps to increase positive activities. We can use it to create meaningful connections to counter the loneliness that many feel as we age.   

Creating connections will look different for everyone. You might start by calling a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Or getting lunch with a family member. You could consider finding others who share your interests. Maybe you do this by volunteering for a cause you care about or joining a club.  

The goal is not to recreate the social life you may have had in the past. Who we are and what matters to will change with us as we age. We want to use mindfulness to stay present. And to direct our attention to what matters most. Activation can help us build connections. You want to use both tools in a way that will feel meaningful for who you are now. 

As you continue to practice, those spirals of worry and feelings of loneliness begin to lose their grip. You can continue to grow and find new meaning and purpose with each new season of life.  

Understanding Anxiety and Depression in Kids 

Anxiety and depression aren’t just things grown-ups deal with. They are among the most common mental health challenges kids, from ages 3 to 17, face. Anxiety and depression can show up in a number of ways. Kids might have trouble sleeping, stomach issues, headaches, feel worried a lot, have big mood swings, trouble with friends, or see a loss of interest in activities. These signs in excess can all point to your kid experiencing challenges. As a parent, it is important to be aware of and notice these signs so you can support your child. 

Steps to Help Your Child 

Here are six steps you can take to help support your child: 

1. Talk to a Doctor: Start by talking to a doctor about any physical or emotional problems your child is having. The doctor can help figure out if there is something else going on. 

2. Have a Chat: Talk to your child and find out if anything is bothering them. We do not always know what is happening at school or with friends. Taking the time to learn more can help. 

3. Consider Social Media Use: Think about how much time your child spends on social media. It is best to delay use of it altogether before the age of 16. If your child is using social media, no more than an hour a day is a good limit. 

4. Keep Healthy Habits: Pay attention to what your child does every day. Are they getting enough sleep? Are they eating well and being active? These things can help them feel better. 

5. Solve Problems Together: The previous steps can help identify problems. Once you know what the problem is, you can work with your child to solve it and take steps forward.  

6. Get Help if Needed: If things feel too hard or you are not sure what to do, it is okay to ask for help. Talking to a therapist or using online tools like Learn to Live can be helpful. 

Remember, you are not alone in getting through the maze. There are supports and resources you can use. By taking these steps, you can be the support your child needs to get past the struggles of anxiety and depression.  

You know how hard it can be when your partner or spouse is depressed. Depression is more than just feeling hopeless and sad. People with depression also often feel helpless, guilty, and impatient with others. You can sense your partner’s turmoil, and all and want to do is help. It is truly heart-wrenching. Depression can be like a relentless storm cloud. It can cast darkness over your shared moments. Yet, as a supportive partner, your presence can make a world of difference.

It can be hard to know how to support a partner dealing with depression. You cannot cure their depression. However, you can provide support on their journey to healing.

Balanced Support Strategies

Here are some strategies to help you provide the right kind of support without overwhelming yourself:

• Encourage Getting Help: Gently suggest that your partner seeks professional help or counseling. Reassure them that reaching out to a mental health expert is a positive step toward feeling better.
• Be a Listening Ear: Sometimes, the most valuable support you can offer is being there to listen. Create a safe, non-judgmental space. Allow your partner to express their feelings and thoughts.
• Share Enjoyable Activities: Do fun things together that you both like. Take relaxing walks or eat out with friends. Going out and being active can improve their mood.
• Clear Communication: Communicate with kindness. Try the IDEA model (Identify, Discuss, Explore, and Agree – read more here). This helps you both express your feelings and needs clearly. You can work together when dealing with problems.

Take Care of Your Own Well-being

• Manage Stress: Helping a partner who is depressed can be tiring for your mind. Make time to handle your own stress. Try relaxing activities, being mindful, or doing hobbies you like.
• Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being. Maintain healthy habits. Try to exercise regularly. Get enough sleep. Make healthy meals. It’s essential to be in good shape to provide strong support.
• Problem-Solve: Collaborate with your partner. Try to fix real issues that may be making their depression worse. Work together to find solutions and make necessary changes.

Remember, your main role is to give your partner love, understanding, and support. While these tips can help, it’s very important to respect your partner’s needs and limits. Get professional help if needed. Together, you can support them in finding hope and healing.

Whether you are a parent, caregiver, teacher, or anyone else working with kids, you likely feel the pull to help and protect them. We worry when we see children hurting and pulling away. It can be hard to talk about mental health and even harder to talk about suicide. While we can’t fully control our kids and the steps they take to get help, we can show them we care and the path to help when days get dark.

When in doubt, talk it out

If you are worried that a teen may be at risk of suicide, it’s important that you talk to them. Slowing down to be present and talk with the teen in your life shows that you see them and care about their well-being. Try to listen and ask questions. This is not the time to yell or make demands. These talks also help you see the signs of mental health problems in the teens you care about.

Encourage a re-think

Our thoughts are powerful. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) shows those thoughts actually drive our strong emotions. Although their thoughts may seem like facts, teens can learn to change their unhelpful thinking. A powerful strategy we use at Learn to Live is Thought Inspection. This tool helps them to look at their situation in a new way. New thoughts can lead to new emotions and less suffering.

Stay in the here and now

It’s common for teens to be distracted by the world around them. It’s important for kids to slow down and notice the link between the way they think, feel, and act. Some call this mindfulness, we call it Present Awareness at Learn to Live. It gives them time and space to reduce emotional reactions and help them make good choices.

Try something new

In our Depression Program we teach behavioral activation. This means that we boost our mood and outlook on life by being active even though the depression seems to tell us to just lie around. We can unplug from social media to try something new or to work on an unfinished task. We can find ways to connect to a hobby or group. As the adult in a teen’s life, it’s important to gently nudge them to give these things a try and see if their mood changes. Every small action in the right direction will add up, and over time it will make a big difference.

POWER through the options

Active problem solving is another way to help teens who are sad or have suicidal thoughts. Learn to Live breaks this strategy down into the POWER method: look at the Problem, come up with Options, Weigh the options, Engage in the options, and Reflect on the outcomes. This lets teens know that there is more than one path to take and that if they need support along the way, it’s there.

Teen mental health issues and suicide are on the rise. It remains heart-wrenching. But you can support the teen in your life when you have the right tools and show that you care.

References

Pappas, S. (2023, July 1). More than 20% of teens have seriously considered suicide. Psychologists and communities can help tackle the problem. Monitor on Psychology, 54(5). https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/07/psychologists-preventing-teen-suicide

Here are some things that can help you feel better:

• Make Physical Health a Priority. Physical activity is one of the most important things you can do for depression. Just moving your body can help you feel less tired and sluggish.
• Try Mindfulness and Relaxation. Make time to meditate, take deep breaths, and relax your muscles to feel calm.
• Establish a Healthy Sleep Routine. Create a comfortable sleep environment. Limit use of electronic devices before bed. Avoid caffeine close to bedtime.
• Do Activities You Enjoy. Find things you like to do and make time to do them. This can improve your mood, increase your confidence, and give you a sense of purpose.
• Find Support. Surround yourself with positive people. This can help you feel less alone.
• Celebrate the Small Wins. See your progress and give yourself credit for successes to boost self-esteem and motivation.

Taking care of yourself may not replace professional treatment for depression, but it can help you feel better and improve overall well-being.

Not sure if you’re depressed? Get screened.

Screening for depression can help identify it early on. That can help people get the help they need when they need it. Are you feeling sad for long periods? Have your appetite or sleep patterns changed? Have you lost your energy? Find out if you could benefit from mental health support by getting screened.

• Mental effects and strong emotions: When someone passes away suddenly, people feel many intense emotions. Those can include shock, sadness, anger, and guilt. They could also feel very sad or worried all the time. These feelings can be very strong and overwhelming.  
• Physical effects: The loss can also affect people’s bodies. They might have trouble sleeping or lose their appetite. They may feel tired or get sick more easily.  
• Changes in daily life: Losing someone suddenly can make it hard to do everyday tasks. It might be tough to focus on school or work, make decisions, or take care of responsibilities at home.  
• Problems in relationships: Relationships with other people might become difficult or change after a sudden loss. They may withdraw or seek support from friends and family. Relationships may also experience strain as individuals grieve differently. Friends and family might not know how to help or support them.

Ways to Cope

The devastation of sudden loss is experienced differently by everyone. People have their own ways of dealing with grief and getting through tough times. Here are some ideas to help you deal with the sadness and pain: 

• Talk about your feelings: It’s okay to cry and share your emotions with someone you trust, like a family member or friend. Talking about what you’re going through can make you feel better. 
• Get support: Reach out to people who care about you. They can listen, give you a hug, or just be there for you. You can also join a support group for people who have been through something similar, so you know you’re not alone. 
• Take care of yourself: Make sure you eat healthy food, get some exercise, and try to sleep enough. Taking care of your body can help you feel a little better emotionally. 
• Talk to a professional: Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor who knows how to help people with grief. They can give you advice and support tailored to your needs. 
• Do things you enjoy: Take time to do things that make you happy. It could be reading a book, listening to music, or doing an activity you love. This can help distract you and give you some moments of joy. 
• Remember your loved one: Find a way to remember and honor the person you lost. You can keep a special object that reminds you of them, write a letter to them, or do something meaningful in their memory. 
• Be patient with yourself: Healing takes time, so it’s important to be patient with yourself. You may have good days and bad days, and that’s okay. Give yourself time to heal and feel better. 

Everyone reacts to loss differently. Make time to do things that have worked for you in the past, or try some of these ideas. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it and know that it’s normal to feel sad for a while. 

Recognizing the Signs of Suicide Risk

It’s really important to recognize the signs of suicide. When we notice someone might be in trouble, we can offer help early. This might even save their life. Understanding these signs allows us to be there for someone who feels sad or desperate. It also shows that talking about mental health is okay, not something to be ashamed of. We can all make a difference and create a caring community where people feel safe asking for help. 

Here are some signs of suicide risk to watch for: 

• Words. Pay attention to what a person says. People who are thinking about suicide may say that they don’t want to live anymore.  
• Feeling Hopeless. If someone talks about feeling hopeless, useless, or like a burden to others, it could mean they are thinking about ending their life.   
• Mood Changes. Notice if someone’s mood suddenly changes a lot. Big mood swings could be a warning sign.  
• Being Alone. If a person starts to spend a lot of time alone and avoids their friends or favorite activities, something might be wrong.  
• Giving Things Away. Watch out if someone starts giving away their belongings for no reason. It might mean they don’t expect to be around anymore.  
• Risky Behavior. A person may not care about their safety anymore if they start doing dangerous things, like using drugs, drinking too much, or driving recklessly.  
• Thoughts about Death. Pay attention if a person often talks about death, dying, or what happens after we die. It might mean they are thinking about suicide.  
• Changes in Appearance or Behavior. Notice if someone stops taking care of themselves, like not bathing or changing clothes. They might also act differently, like being angry or sad. 

Paying attention to signs of suicide risk is really important. It means watching out for clues that someone might be feeling really down or thinking about hurting themselves. By noticing these signs and understanding that mental health matters, you can offer support and help.  

What To Do If You Think Someone Might Be Thinking About Suicide

If you know someone who is talking about suicide, it’s important to take them seriously and help them. Here are some things you can do: 

• Take it seriously. Don’t ignore or make light of their feelings. Show that you care and want to help. 
• Listen and understand. Be a good listener and let them share their feelings. Don’t judge or try to solve their problems. Let them know you’re there for them. 
• Stay calm and caring. Stay calm during the conversation and don’t blame them for their thoughts. Be supportive and understanding. 
• Ask directly. It may be hard, but ask if they’re thinking about suicide. It won’t make things worse, and it shows you care.  
• Encourage professional help. Encourage them to talk to a mental health professional. Offer to help them find a therapist, counselor, or doctor who can help. 
• Offer support and resources. Give them information about help lines, crisis hotlines, and mental health services. Offer to go with them to appointments or help them make phone calls. 
• Keep them safe. Don’t leave them alone if they’re in immediate danger. Remove anything they could use to hurt themselves, like sharp objects or medicine. Encourage them to call a crisis helpline or take them to the emergency room if necessary. 
• Involve trusted adults. If they’re a kid and you’re worried about their safety, tell a trusted adult, like a parent, teacher, or school counselor, so they can help. 

Supporting someone who feels suicidal can be hard. It’s important to get help from professionals, like a mental health provider or helpline, to make sure you’re doing the right things to help them.

Where You Can Find Resources for Someone in Crisis 

There are different places where you can find help if you or someone you know is feeling really sad or thinking about suicide. Here are some options: 

• Helplines and hotlines. There are special phone numbers you can call to talk to trained people who can help you.  
• If you are experiencing a life-threatening crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. It is a free, 24-hour hotline where your call will be connected to the crisis center nearest to you.  
• If you are in an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.  
• Mental health professionals. There are doctors and therapists who specialize in helping people with mental health problems, including those who are thinking about suicide. They can talk to you and provide treatment to help you feel better. Learn more by visiting these resources: 
  • Academy of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy 
  • Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies 

Always remember that there are people who want to help you or someone in crisis. You’re not alone. It’s important to reach out and ask for support when you need it. 

Becoming a mom means stepping into a new role. New moms go from “me to we”. There are many challenges that new moms face as they step into this new role. It’s really hard. In fact, 50-75% of new mothers experience the “baby blues“. That refers to all those emotional lows that are so common for new moms. 

Those “baby blues” usually disappear on their own in a couple of weeks. The moms who develop clinical postpartum depression experience symptoms beyond two weeks. And for the 1 in 7 women who do experience postpartum depression, the normal challenges of stepping into the “we” role can become even more difficult. They may experience low mood and discouragement, withdrawal, and an ongoing wish to be alone. Things just don’t seem fun anymore. These moms may have difficulty falling or staying asleep, or a wish to sleep all the time. There may be a sense of being without hope and almost constant fatigue. There are some powerful strategies that can help moms who are struggling with these low moods. 

The Importance of Activation

One of the main things that happen when we start to feel down and depressed is that we become less activated. When we are managing the new responsibilities of motherhood and dealing with a low mood, that low mood tends to tell us to withdraw rather than to engage with the world. And many of us think that we have to wait until our mood is improved to try to engage. Actually, doing the activity first can improve your mood. 

So, what is activation? It means getting out and doing those things that can help us experience rewards. Those rewards can help us bounce back when we have a setback. This might mean getting out and doing things we enjoy. Nudging ourselves to learn new things. Reaching out and helping others. Sometimes getting the little things done creates small “wins”. Next you can try something bigger. Our work can also be an important part of the mix and so can socializing. Our hobbies and doing other things to actively care for ourselves can be an important part of activation as well.  

You might be asking yourself – where do I start? If you want to focus on socializing, try calling a friend to go for a walk or to go to a playground. For a hobby, maybe you take 15 minutes to read or dig in your garden. For accomplishments, you might choose to declutter or organize. For fun, you play a board game with your partner.  

Try the POWER Approach

This next strategy addresses the problem of simply feeling stuck when we feel down. The POWER approach is a way to tackle problems. Here is the idea: if we slow down, we can build a plan, and then really act on it.

Start by listing the problem and then any options that come to mind that could solve that problem. Any idea is a good idea. That’s the P and the O in POWER. For the W we narrow it down to the top three ideas as we weigh the options. Next make a specific plan to engage in the idea – that is the E. The R is review. Commit to checking in on how it’s going. Make note if the activity is making a difference in your mood. 

Take Care of Yourself

It’s important to remember that one of the challenges moms experience is taking care of themselves. It is easy to focus all your energy on the baby. But this is a time when self-care is particularly important. 

You can begin by cutting back on social media, which leads to something called upward social comparison. We look at others’ lives and feel like we cannot compare. We begin to think that life is not fair, which contributes to depression. Many studies have shown that cutting back on social media can improve our moods. 

It is also a time to nourish your body. But we get so busy that we just eat the leftovers on our kids’ plates or a quick frozen meal. But this is the time to prioritize your own nutrition and eat well-balanced, filling meals. If you can, get help preparing some meals in advance. It is also a time to see if you can get in some form of movement. Just five or 10 minutes of stretching or a quick walk can help. 

And don’t forget to prioritize your sleep. Turning off the TV and putting your phone away an hour before bed can make a big difference. If you can, sleep when the baby sleeps. This is important for some moms, especially when the baby is up during the night.  

Finally, if you are an introvert, you might want to take a few minutes to be by yourself and curl up with a book. If you are an extrovert, try to connect with friends or family.  

Get Started 

Pick one or two of these and build them into a habit. Choose something you’re already doing, like sitting down for that morning cup of coffee. Follow this by immediately doing the new habit that you’re trying to build and then reward yourself with something meaningful to you! 

References

1) Cleveland Clinic Medical Professionals. (2022, April 12). Postpartum depression: Causes, symptoms & treatment. Cleveland Clinic. Retrieved February 8, 2023, from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression

2) Mughal S, Azhar Y, Siddiqui W. Postpartum Depression. [Updated 2022 Oct 7]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2022 Jan-. Available from:  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519070/ Retrieved February 8th, 2023 from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519070/

3) Howell EA, Mora PA, Horowitz CR, Leventhal H. Racial and ethnic differences in factors associated with early postpartum depressive symptoms. Obstet Gynecol. 2005 Jun;105(6):1442-50. doi: 10.1097/01.AOG.0000164050.34126.37. PMID: 15932842; PMCID: PMC4302723. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15932842/

If you have lost a baby, please know you are not alone. I understand the pain because even though I am a mom, I’ve also gone through pregnancy loss. In fact, I lost my third baby as I was finishing this blog. Pregnancy loss can feel lonely but it is more common than we may realize. It occurs in 10 of 100 known pregnancies. While pregnancy loss may be common, it does not make it easy. Feelings of grief, worry, and depression are normal.  

Pregnancy loss may bring on something called ambiguous grief. This is the grief we experience when we lose something that isn’t tangible. We lose our dream of being a mother, and our identity as a mom. Grief can lead to periods of sadness as well. When trying to become pregnant again, you might find yourself nervous, anxious, and afraid.  

No matter what form of loss you or someone you care about has gone through, or what stage you are in with your pregnancy journey, here are some helpful strategies to try:  

• Remaining in the present can help keep you from getting stuck in the past or trying to solve the future. Try to take a savoring walk by using your five senses. 
• Starting a gratitude practice can help keep your eyes fixed on all that you have rather than what you do not. In Learn to Live’s Resilience Program, we encourage people to write three good things they are grateful for and their causes.  
• Stay connected to others. Find a support group, lean into friends or family, take time to learn positive coping skills, or seek therapy.  
• Find time for exercise or gentle movement. Keeping yourself active is one of the best ways to avoid falling into depression. 
• Develop good sleep habits. When you are well-rested, you are likely to feel less stressed, are slower to anger, and find it easier to stay focused. Some ways to welcome sleep are to have a cool, dark room and avoid technology within two hours of bedtime.  
• Meet yourself with compassion. It can be easy for the inner critic to get loud which can create guilt, shame, and blame. Self-compassion allows you grace to meet yourself with what you need, when you need it.  

Healing does not mean forgetting and it does not make your experience any less challenging. It means that you can honor yourself, your journey, and your loss in a way that allows you to continue moving forward.