“It’s not that I was no longer afraid, but as it turns out, you can practice being afraid. The more you do it, the less daunting scary things feel. Also, I learned that nothing is as scary in reality as it is in your head.”

Below is an excerpt from her blog post, Psychologist Dr. Russell Morfitt on How to Deal with Social Anxiety:

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What can a Learn to Live member expect from the program? How long does it last? What’s the commitment like?

Dr. Russ: Structurally, the Learn to Live Social Anxiety Program consists of eight interactive, multimedia lessons with practice exercises to complete in between. We recommend completing about one lesson per week. Periodic assessments help members to set goals and track their progress along the way.

Members quickly learn that they are not alone, which is very powerful. Throughout the program, they learn the key tools of CBT and how to apply them in their personal situation. Members also learn how to build up their social support network, a trusted group of friends or family that may support and encourage them throughout the program.

And it’s not just thought-challenges and fear-facing exercises. These are important, no doubt. But sometimes it’s the small things in our lives, the tiny avoidant habits that add up to unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. Members learn to identify these habits and work toward changing them. The overall process involves learning online, then applying that learning to one’s life. It’s really the real-world practice that creates results.

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If you want to find out more about CBT, the Learn to Live story, and social anxiety, here’s the full interview – Psychologist Dr. Russell Morfitt on How to Deal with Social Anxiety.

Molly has done a great job of connecting with other people who have faced their fears, like Jaimal Yogis of The Fear Project, and has even started her own #HeyEleanorChallenge, “a weekly email encouraging you guys to take itty-bitty steps (and the occasional big leap) outside of your comfort zone.” Sign up for the email list here. You can also like “Hey Eleanor” on Facebook or follow along with Molly on Twitter.

CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and is a form of psychotherapy that has been around since the early 1960’s. (There’s an interesting story about how the two most prominent founders of the model, Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis published their seminal books about the same time in the same year – so there has been some dispute over who was the first to formally present some of the key ideas.) CBT takes into account a person’s thoughts or perceptions, and how those thoughts or perceptions affect emotions and actions. We learn to identify our automatic thoughts or distorted thinking, after which we are better able to change those thoughts to something more logical or more useful. We can then begin changing our patterns of behavior, facing fears and eliminating unnecessary precautions, getting more active, or applying new alternative behaviors in place of the old actions that kept us stuck.

The skills of CBT can be applied immediately to problems we are suffering from in the present. And these skills become a helpful set of tools that can be applied to new situations as the challenges of life arise. CBT can be applied to work, school, relationships, and social situations – almost anything!

Among the most common reasons someone may seek out CBT are depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). What many people don’t realize is that CBT can be applied to a whole host of issues we face in our daily lives: pain conditions, sleep disorders, life stress, eating disorders…the list goes on.

In recent years, we have learned that CBT has another asset – learning how to change our thoughts and behaviors can be done from the privacy of our own homes. Internet-Delivered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, (iCBT) has been demonstrated to be as effective as face-to-face therapy. The iCBT option means that those of us who may not otherwise choose face-to-face therapy – because of cost, stigma, or lack of options nearby – can still get the benefits of CBT.

CBT may sound like just another acronym in a world full of TLAs (three-letter acronyms). But really, it’s shorthand for a proven strategy for reshaping our unhelpful thinking and changing our unhealthy behaviors. Whether you need help with the stress of a new job, handling college life, or speaking in front of a group, CBT is a tool that can help you change your thoughts, your behaviors, and your life!

School was the hardest in terms of dealing with social anxiety. I was much taller than the other kids and this made me self-conscious. My peers would often bully or taunt me for my height, and I would take these remarks to heart and it would make me withdraw and fear people and social settings even more.

In high school my anxiety remained the same. I’d fear everything involving people; including catching public transport, eating in front of others, attending birthdays or places where there’d be heaps of people, talking to my peers (especially boys!), giving presentations, going to a grocery store, walking along the street, talking on the phone, and even sending an email!

All these situations ignited great fear within me and I would become overly conscious of myself and my behaviour in social interactions, the classic ‘spotlight effect’.

It wasn’t until graduating from high school and starting university that I began to acknowledge my behaviours and the thoughts which may have been contributing to my anxiety. I began seeking self-help books which dealt with social anxiety and CBT, and worked on myself to counteract the negative automatic thoughts I’d have.

From this, my anxiety relieved enormously. However it wasn’t until I begun the Learn to Live online program in conjunction with daily meditation that I saw tremendous results.

I finished the Learn to Live program within 3 months, and in this short time I found my whole mindset and approach to social anxiety change for the better. Through the online coursework I was able to adapt the new knowledge and coping strategies and use them in social settings which would usually cause me great anxiety.

This program is different to others I have tried in terms of its format and its use of tailored CBT strategies for social anxiety sufferers. It gave me a challenge; something to work towards and commit to. I would start a new module each week and commit myself to doing the activities outlined.

Obviously it wasn’t an easy process. Essentially I was training myself to do the absolute opposite of what I’d usually do in situations which caused me fear. Instead of avoiding situations like I usually would, I would make myself confront them and stick to them until the initial fear all but disappeared. From talking to a stranger on the street, to striking up a conversation with a store person, or calling and making my own appointments.

By exposing myself to fearful situations and reminding myself of the practical strategies outlined on the program, I was able to overcome my fears and realize that I have much more inner strength than I realized.

One of the turning points was when I decided to attend a big event by myself. It included meeting and talking to a celebrity. I was so anxious beforehand, but because I was aware of these thoughts I knew how to counteract them and relax.

Not only did I make new friends, I also managed to hold a conversation with the celebrity and ask for a picture!

From this event I’ve continued to improve in leaps and bounds. I can happily walk down a street or go shopping without feeling that crushing sense of self-consciousness and fear of what people think of me. I have no qualms about picking up a phone and talking to a stranger. I initiate 90% of my conversations with strangers, friends, and family.

Rather than fearing social settings, I now look at them as ‘challenges’ and find I actually end up enjoying being in these situations.

One of my favorite things to do now is to sit and eat at a café in the city – by myself. I also feel calm and confident in my social interactions, to the point that now talking casually to a stranger in passing or with a co-worker is second nature.

Of course there have been times where I’ve felt my old feelings of crippling fear and anxiety. Sometimes it has been a case of 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. The difference now though is that I am now aware of the reasons behind my behaviors and am able to effectively deal with the anxiety as soon as it arises.

Through continued training with CBT and the modules on Learn to Live, these positive coping strategies are starting to become – and will end up – being my normal way of behaving.

Dealing with social anxiety is extremely prohibiting. It can make you feel alienated, alone, and like there’s something wrong with you. In my experience, the worst part was having others think that you were arrogant or rude or disinterested in them, when in fact, the opposite was true!

Such behaviors which I used as coping strategies included avoiding eye contact, pretending to not ‘see’ someone as to avoid conversation, covering my mouth while I ate, letting others do the talking in groups, and completely withdrawing from people, to name a few.

I can never thank Dr. Russ and the team at Learn to Live enough for helping me to realise that social anxiety is not who I am and that essentially, I am in control of how I choose to let this fear dictate me.

Social anxiety is not a sign of weakness, moreover it is a heightened sense of awareness of your own thoughts and behaviors in social settings. Once you begin to learn this, it becomes easy to begin changing these negative and prohibiting thoughts and behaviors and to start accepting yourself for who you are and learn to live as the interesting, confident, and fun person you really are!

This old saying of unknown origin speaks to the incredible impact of even the smallest insects, over time, on the hardest surface. The constant grinding of small feet wears away even the most solid rock. Sadly, this is also true of our ANTs, those Automatic Negative Thoughts that constantly wear away at even the most confident self and contribute to challenges such as depression, social anxiety, and stress, anxiety and worry.

ANTs are not our personal automatic thoughts, but really types of thinking patterns that may be hidden in our private automatic thoughts. Over the years they’ve been called cognitive errors, thinking errors, cognitive distortions, or “stinkin’ thinkin’, though the latter term has been applied in various ways to various experiences (and why not?) Still, at the risk of confusing a few temporarily, I’m going to use the term ANTs because it sticks in our minds.

We discussed several types of ANTs last month in our blog post on mental health and the holidays. Here are more ANTs that you may recognize in your own life:

Fortune Telling – You possess a crystal ball, but unfortunately it only predicts negative things for you.
– If I go to a party, everyone will ignore me, just like what seemed to happen last time.

Labeling – Instead of calling a failure or unusual behavior a one-time incident, you generalize, and attach a sweeping, permanent label, whether this is about yourself or someone else. When you label, you don’t just observe your shortcoming, you draw general, negative conclusions from them.
– I couldn’t think of anything to say to a couple of people at the party. I’m such a social failure. I’m so awkward. (In truth, you probably do just fine in many other situations)
See also: How Heidi Overcame Her Social Anxiety with Online Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Focus Only On the Bad – This is exactly what it sounds like. If four out of five people compliment the cake you made, you’ll focus on the fifth, turning a non-comment into a criticism. When you anticipate others opening gifts you’ve given them, for example, you might selectively recall only the image of the one dissatisfied gift opener and predict the same negative response with each gift you give in the future.

Feelings Make Fact – Feelings are complicated. Sometimes they are related to experiences or memories that you have from the past. Feelings are not necessarily truth – they are feelings.
– I am so uncomfortable at this family gathering, and I feel unattractive in this outfit. They must all think I am fat and ugly and unlovable. (Feeling unlovable does NOT mean you are.)

Not Helpful Thoughts – These are thoughts that may or may not be true, but dwelling on them does not serve a positive purpose.
– I’m not as physically fit as I used to be. I’ve gained weight, and I’m getting wrinkles. It’s hard getting older.
These statements may be true, but choosing to dwell on them won’t help you feel good and be in a state of mind where you can easily observe the pleasant things around you.
See also: The Relationship Between Depression and Social Anxiety

I hope these examples help you to better understand the thinking patterns (cognitive distortions, stinkin thinkin, cognitive errors) we refer to as ANTs. It’s a new year – what better time to work on new thought patterns? Get ready to squash those ANTs before they wear you down! Check back soon for a lesson on Data Collection – you’ll learn how to be a super sleuth of your own social situations which may help you address mental health challenges, including social anxiety, depression, or stress, anxiety and worry.

For that reason, I wanted to let you know about an important development at Learn to Live, that we believe will help many with expanding their social network.   We are launching our new Social Anxiety Community Forum, where people can go to connect with other sufferers who’ve “been there” and to get information to help them overcome their social anxiety. Our goal at Learn to Live has always been to provide the tools and resources to help people in their battle against social anxiety. One of those tools is a network of support that extends beyond what we offer through our Program and in our materials.

We’ve created our Community Forum in order to foster the sorts of relationships that grow organically from one person helping another. We’ve integrated the forum into our website in order to facilitate its use for those going through our Program, but we’ve opened it to the public so that we can all benefit from the lessons learned by those who’ve experienced social anxiety. The forum is divided into three broad categories:

1) Social Anxiety Situations is a category in which people share their personal experience with social anxiety, the way it affects their work, their play, and their relationships.

2) Social Anxiety Tools is a place to discuss the different tools associated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. What works for them. What doesn’t. It’s where old members mentor new members on best practices around the various CBT tools. Got a question? Pose it. Got an answer? Share it.

3) My Progress is a broad category of  topics giving voice to the personal experiences of social anxiety sufferers. Need encouragement? Ask for it. Need to vent? You’re among friends. Got a recent success to share? You’ll find others to celebrate with you.

See also: Take a Free Test for Social Anxiety Online

Remember, this is your story. Your life story can get better and better, and a whole group of people who have “walked in your shoes” may be ready to help you on your way. So whether you’ve just figured out there’s a thing called social anxiety or you’ve been battling it for years, I hope you share your questions and your wisdom on the Community Forum. Let’s help each other.

1) Is CBT better than other therapy?

A controlled experiment demonstrates that Cognitive Behavioral Methods were far more helpful to people suffering from social anxiety than supportive therapy.

2) Does internet-based CBT work for social anxiety? 

A recent investigation found that individuals with social anxiety experienced significant improvement with online CBT-based methods. The added assistance of an online therapist with the online intervention did not increase benefits.

3) Does internet-based CBT work?

Controlled studies consistently reveal that Internet-Based Cognitive Behavioral Training (ICBT) is an effective solution for several anxiety disorders, depression, and a number of other mental health and adjustment problems. In these studies, users provided with ICBT have had much better outcomes than those in control groups. In fact, ICBT has performed as well as the current therapy of choice, face-to-face Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (FCBT), in several (e.g., Furmark et al 2009, Bergstrom et al, 2010).

4) Is internet-based CBT as effective as face-to-face CBT?

Controlled studies conducted in Sweden have found internet-administered CBT-based solutions as effective as face-to-face CBT for social anxiety.

5) Does internet-based CBT last?

Investigators have discovered that the impressive gains from online CBT-based interventions were maintained 5 years later.

6) Does CBT change the brain?

Multiple studies have shown that Cognitive Behavioral methods change the brain of people with anxiety problems… in much the same way as medications change the brain.

WHAT?  Now you tell me!  I suspect that there’s an uncut version of the Wizard of Oz somewhere showing the original footage where Dorothy then throws a ruby slipper at this “good” witch.

I’ve met so many people with social anxiety problems (and other anxiety problems) who always believed that they were just stuck that way. Often their difficulties dated back to early childhood (when they may have actually watched a certain old classic movie, but we won’t blame that), and they persisted through the years.  When I have told them about the tools they can learn in good Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to fight the anxiety problem, they often wonder why no one had told them before about these tools. Learning and using the tools (like exposure, or fear-facing, as I call it) is not easy like clicking heels might be. But it can be done. And I’ve had the joy of seeing a lot of Dorothys experience great relief and richer lives. There is hope.