It’s officially here, the proverbial “most wonderful time of the year.” But for some, especially those living with social anxiety, this time of year may be anything but wonderful. Work parties, family gatherings, holiday travel, it can all get stressful in a hurry for a social anxiety sufferer. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective approaches to dealing with stress in our lives. It provides several different techniques to help people, including those social anxiety, depression, or excessive stress, anxiety, or worry. One of the key components of CBT is identifying problems that may exist within our thoughts, those thoughts that are so ingrained in us that we don’t really notice them anymore. The idea is that if we are able to identify flaws in our thoughts, we can change them. We at Learn to Live have a name for those problems– ANTS, for Automatic Negative Thoughts. Below is a list of some of the ANTS a person may detect:

All or Nothing Thinking – “I tried avoid cookies and ended up eating one. See, I have no self-control. I’ll have to give up on my diet now.” These thoughts don’t allow room for mistakes or flexibility.

Should Statements – “I lost my patience with my kids at the Christmas program. I should always be able to control my emotions. What’s wrong with me?” These statements usually involve unrealistic expectations and don’t allow for flexibility.

Mind Reading – “My aunt didn’t smile much during our conversation at dinner. She probably thinks I’m boring and stupid.” Mind reading thoughts make assumptions about another’s feelings or thoughts without any real evidence to support it.

See also: Overcoming Social Anxiety was HARD, but it changed my life…

Disaster Making – “I’m probably going to fail the final test, and if I fail the test, I won’t have any chance of getting into college. I won’t be able to handle it.” These thoughts assume the worst-case scenario in all situations. The imagined outcome is out of proportion and I believe it will be beyond my ability to cope.

Personalizing – “If only I had been at the nursing home, mom never would have fallen. Now she has a broken hip and can’t join us for the holidays…and it’s all my fault.” These thoughts take the blame for all bad outcomes, denying responsibility to anyone else.

You’ve probably all heard the familiar clichés, “Knowledge is power,” and “Knowing is half the battle.” In this case, they are both true – being able to identify these thinking patterns as automatic and unhelpful is the first step in being able to change your thoughts and ultimately your life. After identifying these thinking problems, I’ll tell you about some more ANTS and then move on fear facing. Stop back soon to check out our upcoming posts on these topics.

“The world as we have created is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”  ~ Albert Einstein

Although Thanksgiving has passed, the tips in our recent post, Take Social Anxiety Off Your Thanksgiving Menu will still apply for your upcoming holiday gatherings.

1) Choose a clear holiday gathering goal: What would make this holiday different? Is it simply attending? Talking to my cousins after dinner? Or staying for the entire meal? Whatever it is, make it small and measurable.

2) Identify someone else to encourage: With social anxiety we think everyone is looking at us. But what would happen if we shifted our focus from self-protection (trying to avoid or cope with this perceived judgment) to helping encourage someone else? By taking on the role of a giver, we give ourselves something to feel good about.

3) Expect to feel nervous: We can anticipate that we will feel uncomfortable and just let that nervousness be present. In our Program, members struggling with social anxiety learn that the road to success goes through uncomfortable situations that we deliberately seek out for ourselves. Many of my favorite experiences involve cheering others on as they bravely face their fears, expecting to feel nervous, only to have their anxiety fade when they don’t back down from it.

4) Smile: People find that smiling at others requires them to make eye contact and to be generally less cautious. When we smile at someone we are less likely to give off the message that we want distance. That’s good because our efforts to maintain social distance only reinforce our fears of judgment by others.

5) Negative reactions are not the emergency: There is a difference between positive thinking and realistic thinking. We benefit far more from realistic thinking that reminds us that most worries never come true. We benefit from telling ourselves that “I have bounced back from worse” or “if they are that judgmental then they can keep their opinions,” or by asking “Will I really remember this in ten years?” It’s realistic messages like these that prepare us to deal with our social anxiety and the “worst that could happen.”

May we all enjoy the freedom of a holiday spent with family and friends this year, free to be ourselves and to be ok with that.