Life can be overwhelming at times. If you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, or feeling stressed by juggling too many things at once, it’s easy to forget about taking care of YOU. For many of us, our jobs, spouses, children, aging parents, or even hobbies take priority. It’s easy to focus on these people and things because you need to or want to, but it’s important to leave room for yourself, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day.

Here are some ways to show yourself a little love during this holiday dedicated to amour:

1. Think of 3 things you love about yourself. We all have flaws, and people struggling with anxiety or depression are usually excellent at acknowledging them. Give a shout out to your strengths instead. Maybe you’re a great friend, or have mad breakfast making skills, or a voice sort of like Adele. Enjoy it, be grateful for it, smile about it, and give yourself a little pat on the back.
2. Move your body. Not because you want to fit into smaller clothes or win a race, but because it’s good for you. Exercise is like a love note to your body and your brain – from you.
3. Practice . Harboring anger and holding on to past grievances can eat you up inside. Letting go of anger is a gift to the other person but also, and more importantly, to you.
4. Have fun. Just because you’re older than 12 doesn’t mean everything has to be serious. Laugh aloud, do karaoke, play a board game, have a dance party in your kitchen.
5. Reward yourself. Maybe you reached a goal you’ve been striving for, or maybe you just made it out of bed this morning (and that may have been a big accomplishment for you). It doesn’t have to be something big or fancy, but go ahead and splurge on the latté, the hot bath or an extra 20 minutes of your favorite show.

We can get hard on ourselves when life gets busy and everyone and everything is competing for our time. It is precisely during those times when those of us struggling with anxiety or depression need to take a step back, breathe and think about our own needs as well. This Valentine’s Day don’t forget to show some love to yourself.

• Travel – Thanksgiving crowds at the airport or on a bus, train or subway are larger than usual. The possibility for social interactions (making eye contact, talking to the person next to you) increases.
• Preparation – Holiday preparation can be stressful for anyone. Throw in the added anxiety about going to the store or having a group of people in your home, and the stress level increases.
• Eating with others – Many people think of dining with others as a fun, social event. For someone with social anxiety, it may be seen as more of a hurdle or something to suffer through. The expectation of dinner table discussion and the simple act of others watching you eat may cause the social anxiety sufferer to lose their appetite.

See also: Overcoming Social Anxiety was HARD, but it changed my life…

• “Public” speaking – In some homes, Grandma always says the prayer before the meal. In others, the act of saying grace or going around the table and sharing what you are thankful for is the norm. Speaking out loud can be hard enough if you have social anxiety, but being asked for a spontaneous prayer or to share what you are personally grateful for may initiate panic mode.
• Socializing – As if the travel, preparation, eating and possibility of impromptu public speaking weren’t enough, the whole POINT of Thanksgiving (besides food and gratitude) is usually socializing with family and friends. While small gatherings of familiar people may be more comfortable, sometimes holiday gatherings mean new people, distant relatives, and large groups.

With all of these opportunities for stress, someone with social anxiety may just decide to skip Thanksgiving a la John Grisham’s book, “Skipping Christmas.” The characters in that book didn’t actually end up skipping Christmas, and you don’t need to skip Thanksgiving. There are ways to handle the stress and anxiety of the holiday:

• If you plan to travel, try to travel with someone you trust. Let them encourage you during moments of anxiety. If you decide to travel alone, prepare well to reduce the unnecessarily stressful moments. Arrive early for your flight/bus/train. Find your gate. Try to spend some of your waiting time doing deep breathing and relaxing with a book or listening to music. As you travel, remind yourself that some anxiety is expected, and that you can just sit with the anxiety until it passes.
• If you are hosting the celebration, do what you can before the actual day to reduce demands on you. Set the table the day before. Splurge and have your groceries delivered via an online service. Enlist help – make the main dish and have family and friends bring the sides, or order a Thanksgiving meal from a local grocery store or restaurant. If you have time, try to exercise that day, even if it’s a short walk or jog. This may reduce your stress by increasing your endorphins (happy brain chemicals) and giving you an extra boost for the day.
• Do an “eating in front of people” trial run. Go out for coffee, or invite 1 or 2 close friends over for dinner. Challenge your anxious thoughts about eating in front of others. Chances are, people are so into their own food, they aren’t taking the time to focus on how you look/what you’re eating/if you are or aren’t contributing to the conversation.
• If you are hosting, you can ask someone else in advance to say the before-meal prayer or lead other religious or non-religious traditions. If you are heading to grandma’s house, call her before to let her know that while you love her and love her food, you just don’t feel comfortable speaking in front of everyone. If you’re feeling brave, go for it. Practice out loud for your spouse. Read the script to yourself in the bathroom mirror. You may just surprise yourself. The “I will never be able to speak out loud in front of people,” may change to “ I can do it imperfectly in front of my close family and friends.”
• The actual socializing may be the most anxiety provoking, but it doesn’t have to be. Most likely, these are people who know and love you. You can sometimes choose to be with a smaller group, or if you feel better on your turf, offer to host. If you find yourself at a large gathering and you have challenged thoughts for similar situations in the past, take time to review them before the event. Though you likely want to reconnect with relatives you see seldom see, it’s okay to spend plenty of time with your support people – spouse, children, parents or best friend. If you need a break from the chaos, find a place to do some breathing exercises, go for a short walk, or talk to someone you trust. If you’re keeping a journal, bring it with you and look back at previous entries.  See how you successfully handled group gatherings in the past. You can do it!

By changing your thoughts and behaviors, even in the smallest of ways, you can change your life.

Watch the video below for tips on dealing with social anxiety during holidays, birthdays, and other social gatherings. For more social anxiety related videos, subscribe to the Learn to Live  YouTube channel.

Read the transcript of this video below:

Holidays can be so difficult for people with social anxiety. On the one hand, if I have social anxiety, I’m probably more comfortable with my relatives than I am with people outside of my family. But holidays often bring people into the home who I don’t see very often – more extended family or people I have less contact with. So I can feel uncomfortable.

I might be pretty good at avoiding other situations – good in the sense that I can be skilled in avoiding, even though that’s really not a positive thing, to avoid, because that keeps me stuck. Nevertheless, with holidays I probably feel a greater obligation to be there.

So we encourage people who have social anxiety who are getting together with others for the holidays to do a number of things:

Number one is to understand that these people mostly care about me, and they like me. I’m just going to start with that.

Number two, they probably aren’t going to judge me, because they care about me. I’m going to expect that they’re going to be supportive people.

Number three, I’m going to take every opportunity I can to nudge myself to be a little more outside of my comfort zone with regard to my social discomfort. I’m going to try to have conversations with people who maybe I don’t get to talk to very often, and I’m going to use that as an experiment to see if maybe engaging with them in a really active way winds up being a really pleasant experience that I didn’t need to be so afraid of in the first place.

1) Choose a clear holiday gathering goal: What would make this holiday different? Is it simply attending? Talking to my cousins after dinner? Or staying for the entire meal? Whatever it is, make it small and measurable.

2) Identify someone else to encourage: With social anxiety we think everyone is looking at us. But what would happen if we shifted our focus from self-protection (trying to avoid or cope with this perceived judgment) to helping encourage someone else? By taking on the role of a giver, we give ourselves something to feel good about.

3) Expect to feel nervous: We can anticipate that we will feel uncomfortable and just let that nervousness be present. In our Program, members struggling with social anxiety learn that the road to success goes through uncomfortable situations that we deliberately seek out for ourselves. Many of my favorite experiences involve cheering others on as they bravely face their fears, expecting to feel nervous, only to have their anxiety fade when they don’t back down from it.

4) Smile: People find that smiling at others requires them to make eye contact and to be generally less cautious. When we smile at someone we are less likely to give off the message that we want distance. That’s good because our efforts to maintain social distance only reinforce our fears of judgment by others.

5) Negative reactions are not the emergency: There is a difference between positive thinking and realistic thinking. We benefit far more from realistic thinking that reminds us that most worries never come true. We benefit from telling ourselves that “I have bounced back from worse” or “if they are that judgmental then they can keep their opinions,” or by asking “Will I really remember this in ten years?” It’s realistic messages like these that prepare us to deal with our social anxiety and the “worst that could happen.”

May we all enjoy the freedom of a holiday spent with family and friends this year, free to be ourselves and to be ok with that.